Have you ever noticed that when things are going good, you can boom out in church with the rest of the congregation, "God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good!", but when trials, tribulations, and difficulties come along, you begin to wonder the truth of it? Maybe you wonder where the goodness in physical sickness and injury might be. Maybe you wonder how it is good that you are unable to meet your bills or you have to make difficult decisions like gas for the car or food for the table. Nick and I might have been in that position if not for the goodness of my parents to let us live with them and to pick up some of the grocery bills.
I admit. There have been times when I had to remind myself that I truly do know and believe that God is good, with good intentions, at a time when all my prayers seemed to get the "no" answer. I had prayed that Elizabeth would remain healthy while we had no health insurance and instead she came down with such a whopping cold she developed bronchialitis and had to have breathing treatments. I would pray, "Lord, please let Elizabeth sleep through the night, so she can fight this cold and I can get some sleep myself," and at 3 am she would be awake, coughing and hungry and wet. I would pray, "Please, Lord, please take this cough away, it hurts her throat so much," and five minutes later she'd go through a hacking fit. So, when my husband and I looked at our financials and he would say, "You know the Lord will provide, right?' I could only respond, "I know that He can." Because I didn't know if He would.
I have always heard stories about the Lord providing what someone needs, just what they need, in just the nick of time. I've heard about orphanages who sat down to empty plates at lunch, given grace for a meal, and answered a ring at the door to find a basketful of food for them on the stoop. I have heard of people walking up to out-of-work families and handing them an envelope of cash to pay a bill that was due that week, just because the Lord had prompted them. These are amazing stories, but they had never happened to me. And I almost couldn't believe that they would. We'd had lots of bills for some time and as things began to get tighter and tighter, things just didn't seem to resolve. And then someone knocked on our door Friday night. And came in with an envelope of cash. I could only sit on the couch with Eliza in my arms and cry. It was just what we needed, and just in time. I won't mention who it is, because I know he didn't do it for notoriety or recognition, but because the Lord had prompted him. But thank you, Mysterious Friend, for what you did. It proved to me that God is sovereign, and God is good, and I should never have doubted.
To add to the good news, our realtor called on Sunday. A couple had looked at the condo and put in an offer. It was below what we could afford to accept, but they had cash and they hadn't made any presumptive stipulations: they just wanted the washer and dryer. We countered with what we could afford and in a matter of hours they accepted. I sat down in the sponsors' meeting at youth group to hear the news that the condo was sold. We signed the contract that night after youth group. We close April 9th. It still boggles my mind that it will be paid off in a matter of days.
Is God good? YES! There are two types of knowledge: one that you have in your head, and one you truly know. Before 2001, I knew that Paris was a beautiful city. I'd heard it many times, I'd seen pictures. But after my backpacking trip and a few days in Paris in 2001, I now know that Paris is beautiful. And I wouldn't mind going back. The same is true here. I knew God is good. I knew that. The Bible says so, I'd seen evidence of it in others lives, and in my own as well. But that knowledge had never been tested in the way it has been in the past year for me. And now I know God is good. He is more than good. He is Best. He has provided, He has cared for, and He has loved me more than I could ever deserve. And I will gladly praise Him for being good, for being GOD, and for loving me even as I struggled with doubt.
As a final note: Nick has had a series of interviews the past few days. We hope to hear by the end of the week, if not before, that he's been offered a job. It would be amazing, as three very urgent prayer requests would be answered in a matter of a week. But we will wait and see the Lord's timing. Stay tuned.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
A moment in motherhood
Today I enjoyed a quiet moment with Eliza at the sink. It has not been a quiet day. Not a bad one, just not a quiet one, either. Most of the afternoon has been filled with Eliza shrieking and screaming because she was overtired and overstimulated and unable to sleep. And with me desperately trying to find a solution to get her there! After a few hours of trying just about everything, I found her chattering to herself as she lay in a large,wet, poopy stain in her crib. Instead of my baby sleeping and me getting some housework done, I was stripping both baby and bed down and giving them a bath!
I could have been frustrated that Eliza wouldn't sleep, or mad that I would have to take the stains out of an outfit I had just finally rid of the same. But instead I found myself enjoying this quiet moment with my daughter: my baby girl calm in her bath, holding her tiny hand under the running faucet water. Her big blue eyes looking around, and she concentrating so hard on capturing the floating yellow rubber duck. Washing the yellow off her skin, her round milk-belly, and her wrinkling toes. Listening through the open window to the sound of the breeze, frogs singing in the distant trees, and a slow tractor running along 46th St., all speaking Spring. I looked at her and knew, I wouldn't trade all of it for the world. The poop stains, the screaming, the laundry I'll have to do, all worth it for a little moment with my little girl in her bath.
I love being a mother.
I could have been frustrated that Eliza wouldn't sleep, or mad that I would have to take the stains out of an outfit I had just finally rid of the same. But instead I found myself enjoying this quiet moment with my daughter: my baby girl calm in her bath, holding her tiny hand under the running faucet water. Her big blue eyes looking around, and she concentrating so hard on capturing the floating yellow rubber duck. Washing the yellow off her skin, her round milk-belly, and her wrinkling toes. Listening through the open window to the sound of the breeze, frogs singing in the distant trees, and a slow tractor running along 46th St., all speaking Spring. I looked at her and knew, I wouldn't trade all of it for the world. The poop stains, the screaming, the laundry I'll have to do, all worth it for a little moment with my little girl in her bath.
I love being a mother.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
The Ugly Green Monster
Sadly, the green monster has raised his ugly head. Yes, I admit I have been tempted by a little jealousy. He has tapped me on the shoulder, invited me out to coffee, and it was a bit of a struggle to turn him down. (Why is he a "he"? I don't know. Just seems to fit, don't you think?)
You see, a good friend of mine is looking at houses. And not only she is looking at houses, she's looking at the kind of houses I've always wanted. In fact, she's looking at THE HOUSE I've always wanted. It's a large, two-story Tudor not far from Washburn campus. I used to drive down this street every day on my way to Washburn just to admire the homes, and this one in particular. I would drive by it with a sigh and an occasional indulgence in imagining it to be mine.
Will my friend buy said house? Who knows! It's a possibility, given certain circumstances. If she does, I'll be incredibly happy for her. She's a great gal with a great husband and a wonderful family. They've been wise in their finances, they work hard, and I think they certainly deserve such a lovely home. The ugly greenness comes to tempt me when I realize how far away we are from something like that. I'd love to have a large, lovely home built in the earlier portions of the last century. I'd love something with brick and climbing ivy and maybe a study/den area, maybe a fireplace... But that's just not where Nick and I are at.
Granted, we are hoping to buy a home this summer (if the financial crisis has abated by then, which, the Lord willing, it will!). We have our eye on a home that won't be available for sell until this summer, anyway. It's footprint is fractional compared to the homes my friend is looking at, but that's okay. What it does provide is a house that will require our loving TLC, which we can make into the kind of house we'd like to have. It's got great bones, just needs some work. And this will allow us to cut our teeth, so to speak, on home rennovation, as any home we buy will likely be needing "some work." It's just the way we want to do things. And, hopefully, that will allow us to buy a beautiful, historic, charmer sooner, a diamond in the rough that we can bring back to glory. That's my dream, anyway.
And so with that in mind, I tell Green Ugly to take a hike: he has my permission to go pester someone else, because I don't want his coffee or his commiseration, thank you very much. I'd much rather have coffee with my friend, and if she gets THAT HOUSE, then I'll be glad to go have it in her kitchen!
You see, a good friend of mine is looking at houses. And not only she is looking at houses, she's looking at the kind of houses I've always wanted. In fact, she's looking at THE HOUSE I've always wanted. It's a large, two-story Tudor not far from Washburn campus. I used to drive down this street every day on my way to Washburn just to admire the homes, and this one in particular. I would drive by it with a sigh and an occasional indulgence in imagining it to be mine.
Will my friend buy said house? Who knows! It's a possibility, given certain circumstances. If she does, I'll be incredibly happy for her. She's a great gal with a great husband and a wonderful family. They've been wise in their finances, they work hard, and I think they certainly deserve such a lovely home. The ugly greenness comes to tempt me when I realize how far away we are from something like that. I'd love to have a large, lovely home built in the earlier portions of the last century. I'd love something with brick and climbing ivy and maybe a study/den area, maybe a fireplace... But that's just not where Nick and I are at.
Granted, we are hoping to buy a home this summer (if the financial crisis has abated by then, which, the Lord willing, it will!). We have our eye on a home that won't be available for sell until this summer, anyway. It's footprint is fractional compared to the homes my friend is looking at, but that's okay. What it does provide is a house that will require our loving TLC, which we can make into the kind of house we'd like to have. It's got great bones, just needs some work. And this will allow us to cut our teeth, so to speak, on home rennovation, as any home we buy will likely be needing "some work." It's just the way we want to do things. And, hopefully, that will allow us to buy a beautiful, historic, charmer sooner, a diamond in the rough that we can bring back to glory. That's my dream, anyway.
And so with that in mind, I tell Green Ugly to take a hike: he has my permission to go pester someone else, because I don't want his coffee or his commiseration, thank you very much. I'd much rather have coffee with my friend, and if she gets THAT HOUSE, then I'll be glad to go have it in her kitchen!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
What a week!
I will not lie to you: I have been a crazy person this past week. I have cried just about every day. Part of the problem has been a complete lack of sleep, but I get ahead of myself. It's been a rough week.
This past week Eliza has been sick. Not just passing sick, but fussy, congested, coughing, can-barely-breathe (literally) sick. It began a week ago today as a slight cough and runny nose. But she's had congestion for months. Then it got worse. And worse. And worse. By the time Monday rolled around and we took her to her "well-child" appointment at the doctor's, she was wheezing and you could see her ribs when she dragged in her breath. Not good. The doctor didn't seem too concerned when she first came in. And then her demeanor changed when she listened to Eliza's chest and watched her work her little tail off just to breathe. (And all the while Eliza still looked around with her big bright eyes and smiled at all the nurses. Spunky kid.) We ended up coming home with a nebulizer and prescriptions for albuterol and prednisone. The term RSV had been thrown out. We were given a form on bronchialitis. I was a mess.
You see, my nephews have both had these things: Jim bronchialitis and Mikey RSV. Mikey was in the hospital. This was not something I wanted for my daughter. This was especially not something I wanted for my daughter when I didn't know how we would ever pay for it. It was exactly what I had been praying would not happen. I admit, I didn't handle it well. God and I had "words". Yes, "words." And I cried. A few times I silently "screamed" just from the stress, the discouragement, the frustration, and the lack of sleep. It felt like a kick in the teeth after everything else that has happened.
But James tells us, "Consider it all joy, brothers, when you experience trials of various kinds." What? What is he thinking?! But I knew it was to be true. And I knew my attitude was not what it should be towards my Lord and God. It took a time of very heavy reflection. And it took a great deal of beating a raging beast within me into submission. I am not God and I ought not be. So then, what makes me think I know what is best? I definitely don't know what's best coming out of this, but I have learned to say these words with a great deal of sincerity:
"You give and take away,
You give and take away.
My heart will choose to say,
Lord, blessed be your name." (Blessed Be Your Name, Tree63)
Blessings that have come this week: our doctor, despite a lack of insurance, has truly taken care of us. We can afford the nebulizer treatments and the steroid. She's set us up with state-funded shots so that Eliza stays current on her immunizations. Also, Eliza took her shots like a champ, taking the stress out of the situation for Mommy. (God involved? Definitely!) She does not actually have RSV, just a really bad cold and is on the mend. And I hope I no longer have to fear RSV because I've stared down that barrel and survived. And my daughter will be okay.
I have more posts in the works. Some titles I'm thinking of: "The Ugly Green Monster" and "God is good, right?" Maybe even "Something to Talk About" but I don't like it. Now, I just need to find the time to work on them...
This past week Eliza has been sick. Not just passing sick, but fussy, congested, coughing, can-barely-breathe (literally) sick. It began a week ago today as a slight cough and runny nose. But she's had congestion for months. Then it got worse. And worse. And worse. By the time Monday rolled around and we took her to her "well-child" appointment at the doctor's, she was wheezing and you could see her ribs when she dragged in her breath. Not good. The doctor didn't seem too concerned when she first came in. And then her demeanor changed when she listened to Eliza's chest and watched her work her little tail off just to breathe. (And all the while Eliza still looked around with her big bright eyes and smiled at all the nurses. Spunky kid.) We ended up coming home with a nebulizer and prescriptions for albuterol and prednisone. The term RSV had been thrown out. We were given a form on bronchialitis. I was a mess.
You see, my nephews have both had these things: Jim bronchialitis and Mikey RSV. Mikey was in the hospital. This was not something I wanted for my daughter. This was especially not something I wanted for my daughter when I didn't know how we would ever pay for it. It was exactly what I had been praying would not happen. I admit, I didn't handle it well. God and I had "words". Yes, "words." And I cried. A few times I silently "screamed" just from the stress, the discouragement, the frustration, and the lack of sleep. It felt like a kick in the teeth after everything else that has happened.
But James tells us, "Consider it all joy, brothers, when you experience trials of various kinds." What? What is he thinking?! But I knew it was to be true. And I knew my attitude was not what it should be towards my Lord and God. It took a time of very heavy reflection. And it took a great deal of beating a raging beast within me into submission. I am not God and I ought not be. So then, what makes me think I know what is best? I definitely don't know what's best coming out of this, but I have learned to say these words with a great deal of sincerity:
"You give and take away,
You give and take away.
My heart will choose to say,
Lord, blessed be your name." (Blessed Be Your Name, Tree63)
Blessings that have come this week: our doctor, despite a lack of insurance, has truly taken care of us. We can afford the nebulizer treatments and the steroid. She's set us up with state-funded shots so that Eliza stays current on her immunizations. Also, Eliza took her shots like a champ, taking the stress out of the situation for Mommy. (God involved? Definitely!) She does not actually have RSV, just a really bad cold and is on the mend. And I hope I no longer have to fear RSV because I've stared down that barrel and survived. And my daughter will be okay.
I have more posts in the works. Some titles I'm thinking of: "The Ugly Green Monster" and "God is good, right?" Maybe even "Something to Talk About" but I don't like it. Now, I just need to find the time to work on them...
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I am a dusty Israelite.
I have a confession: I have not often been respectful of the Israelites, especially in their wilderness wanderings. In fact, during d-group when we have discussed their wandering my comments have bordered on downright disrespectful for slight comedic affect. It seemed such a simple thing to me: after seeing God's amazing power in the plagues of Egypt, in the miracle of the parting of the Red Sea, of the provision in the manna and the quail, in water coming from a rock, they should have realized that God could overcome the Canaanites and lead them into the Promised Land with smooth sailing, right? So simple! Yet they never got it right, and they spent a great deal of time during the Exodus complaining about their lack. Oh, the irony.
Currently, my husband and I are facing some financial trials. For someone who grew up feeling safe and secure, this is rather difficult. I know there were definitely some financial dry spells for my parents when I was growing up, but I never felt the strain myself. Maybe I was too immature or just didn't care, or maybe my parents were really good at not allowing our finances to diminish our family life; maybe both. But feeling precarious like this is new to me. And I don't like it.
It isn't that I haven't seen the Lord provide. In fact I can name a number of answered prayers. My daughter is healthy and growing. I have a good marriage. Once, I saw God quiet the wind after a communal prayer with my camping buddies so that we could have a campfire. And then He broke our tent and sent us home amidst thunderstorms to avoid sleeping at our campsite which saw a lot of SNOW that next night. (And yes, we were highly unprepared for that, seeing that it was Memorial Day weekend...) And yet I am complaining about my lack.
I have a number of prayer requests, all of which I know would ease our financial burdens. But some have come up with a direct "no" and others we are still waiting upon. Of course, my timing means NOW. Immediately. 25 seconds ago. But God isn't working in that way, and I find myself petulant, worried, stressed, and anything but expecting a miracle. A few times people have said to me, "The Lord will provide," and I have responded, "I know He can." But I haven't always had the faith that He will be willing to. Just as the Lord purposely led the Israelites into the wilderness to avoid a confrontation with the Canaanites that would have sent them screaming back to Egypt, I know that the Lord has directed our steps into this rather scary situation. He has indeed provided for all our basic needs: we have a car (each, actually), we have a roof over our heads, and we have food. What more could we want, right? But I look at the medical bills, doctor visits with (at this time) no insurance, various debts we've been working so hard to pay off (like school loans) and I worry if we'll be able to meet them. And what this will do to our credit. And how that will affect us being able to get a home of our own. And I worry. And I complain. Like the Israelites, I don't look back at past miracles of provision (and you can't tell me that the wind quieting in a Colorado-wind-tunnel of a valley just as we say "Amen" is not a miracle!). I look at the future, where I can't see what's coming next and what the Lord might do, and I get tetchy. Nervous. Growly.
The Lord is teaching me a lesson here. And maybe He's even testing me. If God conducted His tests the way the schools do, I'd be failing and that just might be the end of it. But thankfully, He is a Teacher who keeps teaching until you get it. And will likely review at some future point. Lord, I'm trying. Thank You for your patience!
Currently, my husband and I are facing some financial trials. For someone who grew up feeling safe and secure, this is rather difficult. I know there were definitely some financial dry spells for my parents when I was growing up, but I never felt the strain myself. Maybe I was too immature or just didn't care, or maybe my parents were really good at not allowing our finances to diminish our family life; maybe both. But feeling precarious like this is new to me. And I don't like it.
It isn't that I haven't seen the Lord provide. In fact I can name a number of answered prayers. My daughter is healthy and growing. I have a good marriage. Once, I saw God quiet the wind after a communal prayer with my camping buddies so that we could have a campfire. And then He broke our tent and sent us home amidst thunderstorms to avoid sleeping at our campsite which saw a lot of SNOW that next night. (And yes, we were highly unprepared for that, seeing that it was Memorial Day weekend...) And yet I am complaining about my lack.
I have a number of prayer requests, all of which I know would ease our financial burdens. But some have come up with a direct "no" and others we are still waiting upon. Of course, my timing means NOW. Immediately. 25 seconds ago. But God isn't working in that way, and I find myself petulant, worried, stressed, and anything but expecting a miracle. A few times people have said to me, "The Lord will provide," and I have responded, "I know He can." But I haven't always had the faith that He will be willing to. Just as the Lord purposely led the Israelites into the wilderness to avoid a confrontation with the Canaanites that would have sent them screaming back to Egypt, I know that the Lord has directed our steps into this rather scary situation. He has indeed provided for all our basic needs: we have a car (each, actually), we have a roof over our heads, and we have food. What more could we want, right? But I look at the medical bills, doctor visits with (at this time) no insurance, various debts we've been working so hard to pay off (like school loans) and I worry if we'll be able to meet them. And what this will do to our credit. And how that will affect us being able to get a home of our own. And I worry. And I complain. Like the Israelites, I don't look back at past miracles of provision (and you can't tell me that the wind quieting in a Colorado-wind-tunnel of a valley just as we say "Amen" is not a miracle!). I look at the future, where I can't see what's coming next and what the Lord might do, and I get tetchy. Nervous. Growly.
The Lord is teaching me a lesson here. And maybe He's even testing me. If God conducted His tests the way the schools do, I'd be failing and that just might be the end of it. But thankfully, He is a Teacher who keeps teaching until you get it. And will likely review at some future point. Lord, I'm trying. Thank You for your patience!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Welcome, Spring!
Okay, so the season hasn't officially started. But, come on! It's been in the 50-degree range for the last six days! What's not to love about that? Besides, have you ever noticed that, weather-wise, the seasons actually change before the calendar suggests it should? Winter came well before December 22nd (or whatever day it was last year), and Spring sprang well before the March due-date. And no one's complaining. That's worth a smile. :]
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)