A penny for you thoughts

I love being a mama.  I really do.  In just the five months she's been here, Eliza has brought so much joy and challenge into my life.  I wouldn't trade her for the world.  I don't get to go out on a whim anymore.  For pity's sake, I really don't get to go out at all anymore!  But I don't mind.  I have to haul two tons of crap with me whenever I do go anywhere, but I don't really mind.  I don't mind changing the diapers and it doesn't bother me that most of my day revolves around another person.  But there is just one slice of my time from my pre-motherhood days that I do wish I could get a little more of.

After Nick and I got married, I got in the routine of getting up in the morning, having breakfast, and then enjoying my coffee in front of the computer.  I spent this time reading e-mail, reading blogs, just reading on the internet and in the books I kept on my desk.  I wrote, journaled, blogged, and just took time to think.  It was wonderful.  I don't really get that anymore.  Back when I could schedule Eliza's day, I got some of it.  But now, when she wakes up before I'd like her to, when she doesn't sleep hardly at all, I haven't been able to find as much time.  (However, I think she has finally hit the end of her rope and at this moment has been asleep for an hour.  I'm hoping for at least another half, if not a whole hour more!)  I miss that.  Just time to think.  I rarely think anymore about anything other than diapers, spit up, extra clothes, and nursing schedules.  When she's in rare and happy form or actually asleep I might get some work done.  Or I play with her and marvel over what a miracle she is in our lives.  But time to think and reflect seems like it might be something I just won't get to do a lot of... for awhile.  Someday, hopefully, when my kids are at a stage when I can get them on a schedule, I'll carve out a slice of my day for just what I miss: reading and writing and thinking.  Quiet moments all my own.  But, likely, I'll have to lock them out of the room...