This Friday finds me a little discontent. But I am trying my best to not be a "negative nancy," as my husband says, so here's hoping the Quick 5 can give some perspective.
1. It's been active around here, let's just say that. And I'm not really talking about our own household, but the neighborhood. Within just a few weeks there's been a drive-by shooting (which didn't make the news as no one was hurt or anything struck, so I don't know how many people know about it), a teenage boy stabbed in a park a few blocks away, a man shot across the street from same park, and an incident involving the family of one of the girls that used to attend my d-group. It's A LOT. It has me thinking a lot about this house, this area, and what we're doing here. Awhile back I was working through Proverbs and wanted so much to be like the Proverbs 31 woman and her intentional industriousness. Around the same time a fellow Grace alum and blogger mentioned how she didn't find any of that so revolutionary about the "ideal" Proverbs 31 woman, but rather that she found the time and made a point to help the needy and the poor. I don't know if that observation was in anyway connected to me and my comments on striving for that Biblical ideal, but it's stuck with me. I feel it was directed at me, whether the writer meant that or not. Are the two related? Yes, actually. Both are about outreach. If we want to reach out to our church's neighborhood and surrounding neighborhoods, then we need to be in the area. Is everyone around here poor? Certainly not. But we don't live too far from it, and we can't ignore it if we stay. God has used these things to put a bee in my brain. A bee I don't know that I'm comfortable with. But if anything, God is concerned with our good not our comfort. There are lots of things floating around up there and it's time to buckle down to some prayer, and Lord willing, I'm doing so.
2. I have house angst. Again. All the time. I do the 5-minute clutter busters. I clean the kitchen as I cook. I put away, I vacuum, I do all the things that advice columns, blogs, and helpful friends recommend, and it's still a war zone. I think this may just be a season of life I need to accept. Little ones are messy: they don't clean up after themselves even when you make it a game, sing a song, beg, cajole, discipline, and encourage. They're still learning. I need to let some of the hopes and expectations go, concede that my mother is a better housekeeper and I can some day measure up when I don't have toddlers and sippy cups and... whatever else. I could chase the house and clutter and what all all I want for the next several years and miss out on more important things. I've decided: if anyone wants to get me a Christmas gift, feel free to get me one of those pithy plaques about household mess. Something like, "Yes, the house is a mess, we live here." Or, "You missed it, the house was clean yesterday." I have some on my pinterest board you can draw inspiration from.
3. I mentioned last week my Monday night Bible study has ended. Scheduling wise, it's nice to have a night open. Otherwise, it's incredibly sad. I will miss the people. I will miss the discussion. I am really going to miss the intense Bible study. While my ladies' Bible study is quite good at the moment, it's still quite different from what I love about Monday nights. There is something percolating in my head in response. Something that meets in the crossroads of things I wish for Sunday school, Bible study, and... a few other things. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what I should do. Vagueness is one of the most infuriating and stupid things you can put into writing, but let me tell you the truth: the idea is so precious and I may already have too much hope in it that I fear to share it lest it be shot down before it's time. You do know that feeling? You realize that the idea may be ill-conceived, preposterous, or maybe it's just not the right time, place, or you're not the right person. But does it have to be shot down right now? I just want to pray over it, seek the Lord over it, and then see. But it's another bee in my brain. So yes, I seem to be buzzing and it drowns other, mundane, beautiful, ordinary, every-day things out.
4. Health insurance is the biggest pain, most ardent stresser, and diligent bane in my life right now. We don't exactly have it figured out at the moment, but we're going to have to make a change. We can't afford it. We can't go without it. It's like money in that way.
5. I love my children. They are starting to play together and it is beautiful to see. It is wonderful to have a few moments of laughter and bright eyes and happy smiles amongst the crying, pouting and other difficulties that come with this age. Simon's sleeping patterns are awry and he cries more than he sleeps; not to mention the onset of teething. Eliza is definitely entering that "Terrible Two" phase, which I've noticed always seems to come earlier than the actual age. So yes, there are days of chaotic difficulties, of tantrums and pouts and this still newbie mother trying to figure out how to handle it, to discipline my children effectively and train their character. Oiye. But I love it. I love to hear Eliza's peals of laughter from the bathroom as Daddy gives her her bath. I love to watch Eliza and Simon giggle and laugh as they learn to play together. I love it that Eliza is coming back for my time in my lap and that Simon still likes to snuggle when he's tired. Motherhood is everything they say it is: the most difficult job out there but far more than worth the while.
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