Today, I stumbled across a blog from an old friend from college. I always admired this friend: she was beautiful, popular, intelligent, incredibly well put-together. I always thought, "If only I could be more like her." But I am shy, awkward, definitely not popular, and certainly not as capable as expressing myself as she was. I sometimes floated on the edge of her circle, but was never really a part of it. I was sure she thought I was a nerd, but to nice to say anything about it. So imagine my surprise when one day, as we were on our way to an evening of working with kid's club out our church, she confessed that she had similar thoughts to me! She felt that I was kind of cool, but I thought she was weird. That couldn't have been farther from the truth! And from there, we began a friendship. It perhaps wasn't a perfect friendship; it was certainly rocky at times, but I still continued to admire her, her accomplishments, her attributes. She's a great woman.
Over the years, however, our friendship fell into disuse. We both moved about a little bit; we have pursued different paths. We are "friends" on Facebook, but we never really communicate. I had no idea she had a blog, and stumbled onto because I was reading someone else's. But as I read some of her entries, I was reminded of how much I'd always admired her. She's so intellectual; she writes so well. What I wouldn't give for her turn of phrase, for her mastery of words! We're certainly very different, in our tastes in music, in literature, even some of our views. But I was saddened to realize that our friendship belongs in those old "days goneby." And saddened even more to realize that, for me, there are an overwhelming number of relationships like this one: past-tense.
There are actually a number of people from my past that I'd love to catch up with. I'd love to hear how they're doing, what they're up to, how life has changed, and where they're hoping to go from here. And truth be told, I largely blame myself for letting things go. But as the title of this post suggests, I sometimes can't work up the courage to do it: I'm too freaking shy.
I've been shy all my life. I was too scared to go to the counter at McDonald's to get ketchup for my fries or to the pizza counter to get a box for our leftovers. My sister had to do it. I couldn't ask someone for directions or where to find something. Walking up to someone and initiating a conversation, no matter how impersonal, gave me fits! Even today, I struggle with that shyness. Over the years, it's been compounded, actually, by miscommunications that have led me into some incredibly painful experiences where I've learned people did not take something I said the way I meant it. (Good lesson in learning about how to communicate, but incredibly painful when the other person is not willing to try to meet you halfway, unwilling to try to understand you, or even forgive you. Some of those experiences still haunt me.) The end result being a stronger inclination to shyness, a great deal of self-doubt when it comes to how other people perceive me or what they think of me, which in turn leads to a great deal of social awkwardness with just about everyone but my immediate family and my closest of friends. I once read on an acquaintance's page that she has a natural inclination to think people don't like her because of her own shyness, and I felt such affiliation with her, but was too shy and awkward to let her know! Couple all this, then, with a severe conversational handicap, and you get me. (I can sit by someone for fifteen minutes, saying absolutely nothing, while racking my brain for something to say and ask to begin a conversation, only to come up empty. I'm blessed that my in-laws are forbearing; but that's another post.)
The end result? My due punishment: I haven't kept in touch with many of the people I've once known because I either have no idea what to say, or I'm too shy to contact them. I've lost track of people I care about. And now, sometimes I wonder if it's too late? Or, if I can overcome my shyness, will they see a reason to respond?
No comments:
Post a Comment