Surrender

Sunday was our first back at church after Eliza's birth. Sadly, I didn't get to hear much of what was apparently a very good sermon as she began to fuss and I left to care for her, only to realize I didn't have everything I needed. (Hey, I'm still learning!) However, I was able to enjoy a time of worship with my local body of believers, and one song in particular really touched Nick and I.

Part of the set this weekend was "Surrender". This is not the "I Surrender All" hymn, though I love that, too. It's a contemporary worship song, who wrote it I don't know. But the chorus repeats this refrain: "And I surrender all to you, all to you." The song talks about letting go of what the world holds dear, our own dreams and rights, everything for God. This song touched me during the long summer I prayed over my feelings for Nick and asked God's will to be done in our lives, because many times I had to surrender my desire for a relationship with him while I waited to see what both God and Nick wanted. It has touched me since, just in recognizing my need to be submissive to God and His will. But yesterday, the words of this prayer took on an even deeper meaning. I found tears coursing down my face as I realized I now also have to surrender my daughter to Him: her well-being, her very life and her eternity. How hard that is! She is just over a week old, so precious, and I love her so much. It's hard to place her into the hands of another, even One who is mighty and good and wise and able to do more for her and care for her so much better than I. It was hard to sing the words and mean them, and I was determined I would not sing that prayer unless I could truly mean it.

I turned my head at one point and discovered Nick was going through a similar experience: tears were on his cheeks, too. We have discussed out intention to take Eliza before the church and dedicate her to the Lord, and how we really need to dedicate her, not go through the motions. But I think we realized that morning, worshipping in church, holding hands, that we could not and should not wait to do it publicly, and also how deeply it goes to actually do it. We needed to be able to surrender our child to the Lord right there and then, and consistently, every day, for the rest of her life. By the end of the song I was able to sing those words and mean them, to surrender her to God, but it wasn't easy.

I thank God for this man I am raising my daughter with, and how seriously he takes his responsibility as a father and a spiritual guide. I thank God for His eternal goodness and how I can truly trust Him with the life and well-being of my daughter. I thank Him for the opportunity to raise her and love her. But I thank Him also for upholding me as I enter into the joys and difficulties of motherhood. I can do no better than surrender all to Him.